Before filing for divorce, most people want one thing: clarity. Not a lecture. Not a checklist from someone who’s never sat across from a spouse who’s emotionally done, financially scared, and worried about how the kids will take it.
In our Bergen County practice at Sammarro & Zalarick, we meet people at every stage of this decision. Some are absolutely sure. Others are not. Many are somewhere in the middle—certain the marriage can’t continue as it is, but unsure what filing will actually set in motion.
And here’s what we’ve learned: you don’t need to have every answer before you file, but you do need to ask yourself the right questions. Filing isn’t just “starting paperwork.” It’s the moment you move from private conflict to a legal process with deadlines, disclosures, and real consequences.
This post walks you through five important questions we encourage clients to consider before they take that first formal step.
Before Filing for Divorce Question 1: Are you safe—and are the children safe?
This question isn’t dramatic. It’s practical.
If there’s intimidation, threats, physical violence, stalking, harassment, or coercive control, your “divorce plan” can’t start with forms. It starts with safety and stability.
Even when people don’t use the words “domestic violence,” we hear warning signs all the time:
You’re afraid to tell your spouse you’re filing.
You’re afraid they’ll drain accounts.
You’re worried they’ll show up at work.
You’re worried about what happens during parenting time exchanges.
If any of that feels familiar, pause and get guidance before you file. Sometimes the right approach is filing with a safety plan in place. Sometimes the right approach includes asking the court for protections at the start. And sometimes the right approach is simply making sure you and your children have a stable place to stay before legal papers enter the picture.
Also, think about communication. If you’re already afraid of the reaction to a “divorce conversation,” then you should assume the reaction to being served divorce papers could be worse. This is not the time to gamble.
If you’re in immediate danger, call 911. If you’re not in immediate danger but you’re uneasy, talk to a lawyer before you file. The best legal plan in the world is useless if it ignores safety reality.
Before Filing for Divorce Question 2: What do you need the court to handle right away?
A lot of people assume divorce only deals with the “final outcome.” In real life, most divorces start with urgent, day-to-day problems that can’t wait months:
Who stays in the home this week?
Who pays the mortgage or rent right now?
How will parenting time work starting tomorrow?
What happens if one spouse cuts off access to funds?
Can someone remove the children from school or relocate?
Filing for divorce is often the gateway to requesting temporary orders—support, custody/parenting time, restraints, and other short-term protections—while the case is pending.
So before you file, ask yourself: what is the immediate problem I need solved? Because that question shapes how we structure the opening of your case.
If your answer is “I don’t need anything right away,” that’s fine. It might mean you’re in a good position to take a calmer approach and push for an efficient settlement process.
But if your answer is “I need stability now,” we treat the beginning of the case differently. We plan for the first court appearance(s) differently. We gather proof differently. We focus on getting temporary structure in place so the rest of the divorce doesn’t feel like a free fall.
This is also where expectations matter: New Jersey courts provide self-help resources that outline the divorce process and filing basics, but they can’t design strategy for your specific facts. That’s the difference between “getting filed” and “getting protected.”
Before Filing for Divorce Question 3: Do you know your numbers—and can you prove them?
Divorce is emotional. Court is financial.
Even in a very “reasonable” divorce, the court system runs on financial proof. If you don’t have documentation, you don’t have leverage. And if you don’t understand the financial picture, you can’t negotiate intelligently—especially in Bergen County where the cost of living, housing, and income structures can get complicated.
Before you file, ask yourself:
Do I know what money comes in each month?
Do I know what money goes out each month?
Do I understand what we own and what we owe?
Do I have access to statements (or can I obtain them)?
This isn’t about spying or playing games. It’s about being able to answer basic questions that will come up quickly once the divorce starts.
Here’s what we typically want clients to start gathering early (not necessarily to file, but to protect themselves):
Recent pay stubs and last year’s W-2/1099
The last 2–3 years of tax returns
Bank and credit card statements
Mortgage statements and home equity information
Retirement account statements
Health insurance information
Any proof of bonuses/commissions or self-employment income
A realistic monthly budget (based on actual spending)
In New Jersey divorce cases, financial information is not optional in the long run. The sooner you organize it, the less stressful the process becomes.
And one more practical note: if you’re the spouse who handles the finances, this is not the time to be vague. If you’re the spouse who doesn’t handle the finances, this is not the time to be passive. Divorce punishes passivity—usually in the form of unfair assumptions.
Before Filing for Divorce Question 4: What is your real “end goal”—and what are you willing to compromise on?
People often come into a consultation with one headline goal: “I just want this over.”
We understand that. But “over” can mean very different things, and the way you define your end goal affects every decision that follows.
Before you file, ask yourself:
Do I want to keep the house, or do I want my share of the equity?
Do I care more about maximizing support, or minimizing conflict?
Do I want a week-on/week-off parenting schedule, or is a different plan more realistic?
Am I willing to trade one asset for another to avoid fighting?
Is my priority speed, privacy, or the “best” financial outcome?
There is no morally correct answer. There is only your answer—and the reality of what the law is likely to do with your facts.
This is also the question where we see people get stuck in the wrong mindset: they focus on proving fault instead of planning outcomes. In New Jersey, many divorces proceed under irreconcilable differences, a no-fault ground that requires a six-month breakdown and no reasonable prospect of reconciliation.
That matters because in many cases, you do not need to put the worst moments of your marriage on trial to get divorced. You need a practical plan for parenting, support, and property division.
A strong pre-filing mindset looks like this:
“I want a fair outcome.”
“I want to protect my relationship with my kids.”
“I want a plan I can actually live with.”
“I want to minimize damage, including financial damage.”
If you can define your “end picture” before you file—at least in broad strokes—you’re already ahead of the process.
Before Filing for Divorce Question 5: Are you ready for the process, the timeline, and the rules?
This one is tough because it’s not emotional—it’s logistical. But it may be the most important question of all.
Filing for divorce means:
Deadlines begin.
Documents must be served properly.
Financial disclosures will be required.
You may need to appear in court.
You may need to attend required programs if children are involved.
Residency requirement: can you file in New Jersey right now?
New Jersey has residency rules that can affect when you’re allowed to file. Under New Jersey law, in most cases (other than adultery), one party generally must have been a bona fide resident of New Jersey for the one year immediately before filing.
This issue comes up more than people think in Bergen County because many families are connected to New York and move across state lines for work, school, or family.
Filing method: are you comfortable with electronic filing?
The New Jersey courts offer electronic document submission through JEDS, which allows documents to be submitted online.
JEDS can be convenient, but it’s not a shortcut around the legal steps. You still have to file the correct documents, in the correct county, and handle service correctly.
If you have children: there may be a required parenting program fee
New Jersey law provides for a Parents’ Education Program in certain divorce cases involving children, including a registration fee. 
This is not meant to punish parents. It’s part of how the system tries to reduce conflict and keep children from being pulled into adult problems. But it’s still something you should expect if custody or parenting time is at issue.
Emotional readiness counts, too
Even in an uncontested divorce, filing can feel like lighting a fuse—suddenly everything is “real.” There’s paperwork, a docket number, and a sense of finality.
If you’re not ready for that, it doesn’t necessarily mean you should stay married. It may mean you should prepare more intentionally before filing: gather documents, speak with a counselor, stabilize a living arrangement, or get legal advice so you’re not walking into the process blind.
The takeaway: filing is a legal move, but it’s also a life move
If you only remember one thing from this post, remember this: before filing for divorce, you don’t need to have everything figured out—but you do need to understand what filing will change.
It changes the timeline.
It changes the financial expectations.
It often changes behavior in the home.
It can change parenting dynamics quickly.
As divorce attorneys, we’re not here to push anyone into filing. We’re here to help people file the right way, for the right reasons, at the right time—so the process moves forward instead of sideways.
How to contact Sammarro & Zalarick
If you’re considering divorce in Bergen County and you want a clear plan—what to do before you file, what documents to gather, how to protect your children, and what a realistic outcome looks like—our team at Sammarro & Zalarick, P.A. can help.
You can call us at (973) 478-1026 or reach us through our website contact form to request a confidential consultation. Our office is located at 258 Palisade Avenue, Garfield, NJ 07026.
Note: This article is general information and not legal advice for your specific case.