Divorce if you can’t find your spouse in NJ is absolutely possible—but it’s not as simple as telling the court, “They disappeared.” New Jersey still requires that your spouse (the defendant) gets proper legal notice of the case. When you truly can’t locate them, the court may allow alternative methods like substituted service or service by publication—but only after you show you made real efforts to find them.
Sometimes the spouse moved out of state years ago. Sometimes they’re avoiding service on purpose. Sometimes the relationship ended quietly and then life got busy—until a refinance, a new relationship, or a simple need for closure makes divorce unavoidable.
The good news: you’re not stuck. The key is doing it correctly the first time, because “missing spouse” cases can drag out when paperwork is incomplete or the search efforts aren’t well documented.
(This is general information, not legal advice for your specific situation.)
First, quick clarification: are you married (or just separated)?
This sounds obvious, but it matters. You only need a divorce if you’re legally married (or in a civil union). If you were never married, you don’t file for divorce—but you may still need court orders for custody, parenting time, or child support depending on your situation.
If you are legally married, separation—even for years—does not end the marriage by itself. You still need a divorce judgment to be legally divorced.
Yes, you can still proceed—but service is the hurdle
The main issue in a “can’t find my spouse” divorce is service of process (officially delivering the summons and complaint). Courts are careful with this because everyone has a right to notice and an opportunity to respond.
Legal Services of New Jersey’s divorce guide lays out a specific section for “Service on a Defendant Whose Address is Unknown”, including a step-by-step approach: diligent inquiries first, then court papers requesting alternative service, then proof of service steps afterward.
That’s the roadmap.
Step 1: File your divorce complaint (you can file online)
To start the case, you file a divorce complaint in the Superior Court, Family Division. In many situations you can submit documents electronically using JEDS (Judiciary Electronic Document Submission).
NJ Courts describes JEDS as a system that lets you electronically submit documents 24/7.
Even if you file online, you still have to serve your spouse properly. Filing starts the case. Service is what allows it to move forward.
Step 2: Try the normal service methods first
If you have any reliable address—last known home address, work address, or an address a family member confirms—your first step is typically to attempt service through the standard methods (such as personal service). Courts expect you to try reasonable direct service before they allow alternatives.
This is where people sometimes sabotage themselves: they do a quick Google search, decide it’s hopeless, and jump straight to publication. That often leads to delay, because the court wants to see real effort first.
Step 3: “Diligent search” — what the court expects you to do
When you truly don’t know where your spouse is, you generally need to show diligent inquiry (a real good-faith search). Think of this as proving to the court: “I didn’t just shrug. I actually tried.”
The LSNJ divorce guide is very practical here: it includes letters of diligent inquiry (Forms 9–9C) and describes sending inquiries to people or sources likely to know the spouse’s location—like friends/family/employers, the Motor Vehicle Commission, the postmaster, and the military (if relevant).
The tone matters: you’re not “digging for drama.” You’re documenting efforts so the judge can confidently say, “Okay—alternative service is justified.”
A simple way to think about it: do enough searching that a reasonable person would say, “Yes, that’s a serious effort,” and keep a paper trail of everything you did.
Step 4: Ask the court for permission to use an alternative method of service
If your diligent search still doesn’t produce a usable address, you don’t just choose your own method next. You apply to the court for permission.
The LSNJ guide lays out two common routes when the address is unknown:
Substituted service on a “special agent”
This means the court authorizes service on someone who is likely to be in contact with your spouse (a “special agent”) so that person can pass the papers along. The LSNJ guide includes forms for an ex parte request for substituted service and an order for substituted service (Forms 10A–10C).
Service by publication
If you truly don’t know where your spouse is and don’t know anyone reliable who can act as a special agent, you can ask the court to allow service by publication—publishing a notice in a newspaper as directed by the court, then filing proof that it was published. The LSNJ guide includes forms and instructions for this process (Forms 11A–12B), including the request, proposed order, notice, and certification of publication steps.
This is one of the most important points in the entire post: service by publication is not a shortcut; it’s a court-approved backup plan. If you skip steps, you risk the court denying the request or requiring you to redo it.
Step 5: After service is completed, the clock starts
Once service is done properly (whether personal service, substituted service, or publication as ordered), your spouse has a window to respond.
NJ Courts explains that a defendant generally has 35 days to respond to a divorce complaint to avoid default judgment.
If there’s no response after the response period, the case may proceed as a default.
Step 6: If your spouse still doesn’t respond, you can request default and move toward final judgment
A missing spouse case often ends as a default divorce, meaning the divorce proceeds without the other spouse participating.
The LSNJ guide has an entire chapter on getting a default judgment, including forms and steps for requesting default and preparing for a default hearing (or the next steps in the process), plus additional steps if you’re seeking custody, child support, and distribution of assets/debt.
This is where being organized pays off. Default doesn’t mean “automatic.” It means the court still wants to see that your paperwork is correct and your service efforts were proper.
What if you have kids, a house, or major assets?
This is where “missing spouse” cases can get complicated fast.
You can still move forward with the divorce itself, but when it comes to custody, parenting time, child support, alimony, and equitable distribution, the court may require additional proof and procedures to make sure the outcome is fair and enforceable.
LSNJ’s guide specifically flags that there can be additional steps when you’re seeking custody, support, and distribution of assets and debt in a default situation.
If you have significant property (a home, retirement accounts, a business), you’ll want legal advice early—not because you’re trying to “fight,” but because a default judgment can create problems later if it’s incomplete or unrealistic to enforce.
Common mistakes that slow down “missing spouse” divorces
Filing for publication too soon
Courts usually want to see diligent search efforts first. If you skip that, you may get denied and have to start over.
Not keeping proof of your search
If you can’t show what you did—letters, receipts, returned mail, confirmations—your “diligent search” may look like a guess rather than evidence.
Using an old address without verification
Serving papers at an address you know is outdated can waste weeks and weaken credibility.
Treating default like “instant divorce”
Default is a process. The court still expects proper service and proper documents.
How a family law attorney helps in a “can’t find my spouse” divorce
This is one of those situations where a lawyer often saves time and money, because the risk of procedural mistakes is high.
A family law attorney can help you:
- Clarify the best service strategy based on your facts (substituted service vs publication).
- Build a clean “diligent search” record that the court is likely to accept.
- Prepare the correct requests and proposed orders so you don’t get rejected and delayed.
- Handle the bigger picture if there are children or significant assets, so the final judgment is enforceable and not missing key terms.
Why work with Sammarro & Zalarick in Bergen County?
If your spouse is missing or unreachable, your divorce needs two things: a clean process and a calm strategy.
At Sammarro & Zalarick, we help clients across Bergen County and Northern New Jersey move forward without getting stuck in paperwork loops. We focus on doing it right the first time—documenting search efforts properly, requesting the right court permission when needed, and building a case that can actually reach a final judgment.
If you’re worried you’ll spend months chasing an address you’ll never find, a confidential consultation can help you understand your options quickly.
Need help moving forward?
If you’re trying to divorce but can’t find your spouse, it’s worth getting advice early—before you spend months filing the wrong requests or repeating service attempts. Sammarro & Zalarick can help you map out the fastest lawful path to service and final judgment, and protect your interests if children or property are involved. Contact us to schedule a FREE confidential consultation.
Note: This article is general information, not legal advice. Laws and procedures change, and every case is different. For advice about your situation, speak with an attorney licensed in New Jersey.